That's why it hurts so much to acknowledge that I think it's time for me to go.
Even before today's drop-events, I've been feeling a certain disconnect - feeling out of the loop and unable to get back in no matter what. I've tossed away a lot of energy trying to claw my way back into feeling comfortable, like I was back in the flow - energy I could be spending on other things. It's really stupidly hard to say this, and it's because I've grown so attached over the years, but now trying to tag around and think of posts feels like more of an obligation. I don't know why I'm sticking around anymore, other than out of love for the muns. And God, that's another thing I'm worried about. If I leave (which I'm really leaning towards, fuck) I don't want to fall out of contact with everyone, and I still want to play with mostly everyone in museboxes or in IM or something. I'm still going to be a RP fiend. I'm still going to love all of your characters. I'm still going to love mine. In fact, after this is all said and done, I'm probably going to revamp my musebox and invite you all. I love you too much to just disappear.
I don't know. I guess that's really all there is to say. I'm leaving and it hurts, and I might take a little more time to think on it to make sure it's what I need to do -- but I really think it is. I've had my run, and this is a lesson in moving on.
Real life shit ties into this.
I'm back on the good ol' downward spiral. Parents can afford to get my dad's motorcycle worked on, but not to get me therapy/a short inpatient stay. That's okay though, I'm taking steps on my own. I mainly just feel useless and I'm trying to remedy that. I'm going to force myself to learn the guitar (yes I already own one), maybe try and write some songs. Starting yoga classes in late October. Just...generally trying to be productive and fix my own laziness.
Also need to get a job...and new clothes. I hate not being able to pass, it sucks. Most of my clothes are undeniably and unquestionably femme and I have no choice but to wear them if I want to go out.
I don't know, more later, maybe, that's about it for now.